Confessions….They seem to fly out of people like hot water out of a faucet. All you need is the right amount of alcohol, the right bartender, and VOILA!! It is true what they say ya know…BOOZE DOES SPEAK THE TRUTH! I mean think about it…when you get sauced up, you drop your guard a little and before you know it, you have spilled your guts to some unknowing bartender who suddenly becomes your therapist. Add on a saga in your life and the bar has become your place of therapy! Unfortunately for the staff, they have to entertain you. I have had some sad, weird, and outright strange things confessed to me in a haze of drunkenness. One of my favorite encounters was with a woman from Ireland.
I met her at one of the Hotel bars that I worked at. When she came in she was all disheveled and looked like she had been hitting the bottle for a while. She ordered two glasses of Merlot for herself and a salad. She was in her late 50′s. When I took her food over to her she began to describe her entire trip over to the states. Her flight was delayed, they lost her luggage, she got stuck on the elevator at the airport and when she finally reached the hotel she was told that they did not have a room for her that she had booked a year before. Now for me I felt bad for her but really was not in the mood. As I was having a rough day myself at work and was not feeling like being her best friend at the time.
Well a bottle and a half of Merlot later I get the story as to why she is here. Apparently she was here to meet her “man on the side”. She was a respectable married woman with children. Once a year they would meet somewhere in the world and have the week together. She told me that this had been going on for 20 years and even though they were both married with children they loved each other and this worked for them. He was supposed to meet her that night at the hotel and she was excited to see him.
Sadly, as the night wore on, there was no sign of him. I could see the distress in her face. She asked for her check and retired for the night. The next day when I came into work, she was sitting at the bar waiting for me. She spent the whole night up crying and was unable to get a hold of him. To try to cheer herself up she went shopping. That turned out to be a disaster. I told her to meet me in the lobby the next afternoon and I would go shopping with her. I immediately called a friend of mine who was a personal shopper at one of the high end stores on 5th ave and set up an appt for us.
I met her the next day and we went to the store where after 5 hrs of shopping and drinking a bottle of champagne, she dropped $3,000 on one piece. She then told me that she was taking me to see the Phantom of the Opera that night because she had bought tickets for herself and her “man friend”. The tickets were the 5th row back from center stage. After that she took me to an amazing dinner and we hit the town for drinks. She was cutting her trip short and was leaving the next day. Before we parted she told me that even though “he” did not show up, she was touched at how sweet and friendly I was to her and dubbed me her American Daughter 
Even though not all trips have a happy ending (NOT LITEREALLY PEOPLE..GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER), they can at least have a life learning experience!!! :):)
Hooking up at the bar…It really ceases to amaze me how people have no shame at bars. All my bartenders out there, you know it is the one thing that you see day in and day out. I can write about it every week! It happens sooo often. You see the sexy, the ugly, and my all time favorite…THE SLOPPY HOOK UP! Typically with this kind of hookup you want to run into the back of the kitchen and cut your eyes out at some of the things you see people do! Let me share a moment I had the unsightly pleasure of witnessing…
I was working on a hot hot summer day at one of my bars. I had the mood set to keep it “cool”..literally. Low lighting, candles, shades down on the windows. A lady walked in to the bar, ordered a beer, and was sitting quietly. So being the social bartender that I am, I start to chat her up. She tells me that she is waiting for one of her friends. This was their “night out”. He shows up about 15 minutes later. He orders a beer from me and before I can even pop the cap off he turns to this lady and shoves his tongue down her throat…all the while reaching into his pocket to put money on the bar. O.K..I am thinking to my self. Not even here two minutes and they are going at it. Great!! I am putting his change on the bar while he is inspecting this ladies tonsils…lovely!
On this particular night I had live music at the bar. The musicians set up and get ready to play. These two “love birds” were the only two people at the bar and they were really going at each other. Now it would not have bothered me as much if they were sitting at the end of the bar or in a booth. They were sucking face right in front of me! Right at my sink. So every time I cleaned a glass, I had to see these two mauling and slobbering…yes..SLOBBERING ALL OVER EACH OTHER! I am not talking just kissing. This guy was chewing on her neck. He took his face and smashed it into her chest while making these weird noises!! EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWWWWW!! Even the guys in the band were perplexed at watching these two. The drunker they got..well..the sloppier they got!! At one point when they both came up for air, the lady literally had slobber running down the side of her cheek! I refrained myself from handing her a napkin in fear that the slobber running down her cheek would land on my hand which in turn I would have to go dip in acid!
And so the band played on, and they continued their bizarre acts of affection towards each other. It actually started to become a form of entertainment for everyone including the band! If I knew any better, there was a running bet to see if I would actually say something like refer them to the hotel around the corner. So what I witnessed…He dropped to his knees under the bar, she had his hand down his pants, he was licking her face, she was moaning, he kept slamming his face into her chest. I mean COME ONNNNN PEOPLE!! Do you know what it is like to witness two not so pretty, middle aged, half toothless people suck face and slobber all over each other!! I mean what do you say..”Excuse me..can you take this soft core porn show to a room”, or ‘Hey we get it..you like each other…but you are getting more attention then the BAND’! It really was getting out of hand. I don’t mind seeing people hook up, but when I am thinking about adding $80 to your bill as a room charge..well..take it outside, or in the bathroom, oh hell, take it to the street, just please not in front of me!!
After about two hours of these two putting on a show for myself, the band, and the entire bar, the “love birds” decide to finally leave. They must have been distracted because, well, the tip was lame and they were thanking ME for a good time!! ME!! I wanted to thank them for leaving! Actually, the min the front door closed behind them the whole bar including the band burst into laughter!! More so at the fact that I had to see this going on in an upfront and in your face way that I would have preferred not to see!! I am so happy that their one “night” out turned into an entertaining one for me and the band!!
Getting HIT ON…We have all been in the sites of some drunk, obnoxious, or love sick customer who despite their extreme intoxication, or lack there of, feel the need to “attempt” to hit you with a line that will make you all googly eyed and into them. The problem with that is after you have had as many years behind the schtick as I have…well…it becomes something that no matter how you try to avoid it, or see it coming, you have to stand there and actually listen to these guys (or girls..yes I have been hit on by a woman). I have written down some of these “lines” and some of my friends have shared as well. Here are some of things that have been said to us over the years hehehe..
(Waitering at a chain restaurant years ago)
Drunkie: (slurring) Has anyone told you that you have the purdiest EYE BALLS I have ever seen??
Me: (looking very perplexed) Eye Balls eh…
Drunkie: (still slurring and now slobbering all over the bar and his drink) Yup..dem’ be the purtiest Spanish EYE BALLS…Really..(Hiccuping all over himself)
Me: I’m not Spanish sir..I am Scotch/Irish…
Drunkie:(looking at me with one eye) Then how in the world did you get dem’ purty lil Spanish Eye Balls..
(Managing a small bar in PA)
Drunkie: Are you the manager here (snickering with this evil laugh)?
Me: Yes I am. How can I help you?
Drunkie: How many shots do I have to buy for YOU before you will take ME home???
(Guest Blogger Lori Brewer..working at a Hotel Bar)
Drunkie: You know I have always been a fan of the brown sugar?
Lori: I am sure your wife is happy to know that (she was sitting right next to him)
(Guest Blogger Lori Brewer..working at a Night Club)
Drunkie: (believes he looks like Harrison Ford..he actually looks like Peewee Herman. After spending 20 mins listening to him telling me how he was CONSTANTLY mistaken for Harrison Ford). Are you a fan of Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Lori: You just said Raiders of the Lost Ark out loud…How does that ever work???
(Great Friend & Bar Manager – Chain Restaurant)
Drunkie: All the Stars in the sky are gone because God put them in your eyes…
(Working at a Hotel Bar)
Drunkie #1: I am getting married in two weeks.
Me: That is nice. Congratulations.
Drunkie #2: I don’t like her.
Me: I am sorry to hear.
Drunkie #2: Hey..I have an idea..why don’t you let her try the ring on (pointing at me)?
Drunkie #1: Yea, there ya go. I should marry her instead..she is much prettier.
Oh yes..TO BE CONTINUED…
