Hooking up at the bar…It really ceases to amaze me how people have no shame at bars. All my bartenders out there, you know it is the one thing that you see day in and day out. I can write about it every week! It happens sooo often. You see the sexy, the ugly, and my all time favorite…THE SLOPPY HOOK UP! Typically with this kind of hookup you want to run into the back of the kitchen and cut your eyes out at some of the things you see people do! Let me share a moment I had the unsightly pleasure of witnessing…
I was working on a hot hot summer day at one of my bars. I had the mood set to keep it “cool”..literally. Low lighting, candles, shades down on the windows. A lady walked in to the bar, ordered a beer, and was sitting quietly. So being the social bartender that I am, I start to chat her up. She tells me that she is waiting for one of her friends. This was their “night out”. He shows up about 15 minutes later. He orders a beer from me and before I can even pop the cap off he turns to this lady and shoves his tongue down her throat…all the while reaching into his pocket to put money on the bar. O.K..I am thinking to my self. Not even here two minutes and they are going at it. Great!! I am putting his change on the bar while he is inspecting this ladies tonsils…lovely!
On this particular night I had live music at the bar. The musicians set up and get ready to play. These two “love birds” were the only two people at the bar and they were really going at each other. Now it would not have bothered me as much if they were sitting at the end of the bar or in a booth. They were sucking face right in front of me! Right at my sink. So every time I cleaned a glass, I had to see these two mauling and slobbering…yes..SLOBBERING ALL OVER EACH OTHER! I am not talking just kissing. This guy was chewing on her neck. He took his face and smashed it into her chest while making these weird noises!! EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWWWWW!! Even the guys in the band were perplexed at watching these two. The drunker they got..well..the sloppier they got!! At one point when they both came up for air, the lady literally had slobber running down the side of her cheek! I refrained myself from handing her a napkin in fear that the slobber running down her cheek would land on my hand which in turn I would have to go dip in acid!
And so the band played on, and they continued their bizarre acts of affection towards each other. It actually started to become a form of entertainment for everyone including the band! If I knew any better, there was a running bet to see if I would actually say something like refer them to the hotel around the corner. So what I witnessed…He dropped to his knees under the bar, she had his hand down his pants, he was licking her face, she was moaning, he kept slamming his face into her chest. I mean COME ONNNNN PEOPLE!! Do you know what it is like to witness two not so pretty, middle aged, half toothless people suck face and slobber all over each other!! I mean what do you say..”Excuse me..can you take this soft core porn show to a room”, or ‘Hey we get it..you like each other…but you are getting more attention then the BAND’! It really was getting out of hand. I don’t mind seeing people hook up, but when I am thinking about adding $80 to your bill as a room charge..well..take it outside, or in the bathroom, oh hell, take it to the street, just please not in front of me!!
After about two hours of these two putting on a show for myself, the band, and the entire bar, the “love birds” decide to finally leave. They must have been distracted because, well, the tip was lame and they were thanking ME for a good time!! ME!! I wanted to thank them for leaving! Actually, the min the front door closed behind them the whole bar including the band burst into laughter!! More so at the fact that I had to see this going on in an upfront and in your face way that I would have preferred not to see!! I am so happy that their one “night” out turned into an entertaining one for me and the band!!
Getting HIT ON…We have all been in the sites of some drunk, obnoxious, or love sick customer who despite their extreme intoxication, or lack there of, feel the need to “attempt” to hit you with a line that will make you all googly eyed and into them. The problem with that is after you have had as many years behind the schtick as I have…well…it becomes something that no matter how you try to avoid it, or see it coming, you have to stand there and actually listen to these guys (or girls..yes I have been hit on by a woman). I have written down some of these “lines” and some of my friends have shared as well. Here are some of things that have been said to us over the years hehehe..
(Waitering at a chain restaurant years ago)
Drunkie: (slurring) Has anyone told you that you have the purdiest EYE BALLS I have ever seen??
Me: (looking very perplexed) Eye Balls eh…
Drunkie: (still slurring and now slobbering all over the bar and his drink) Yup..dem’ be the purtiest Spanish EYE BALLS…Really..(Hiccuping all over himself)
Me: I’m not Spanish sir..I am Scotch/Irish…
Drunkie:(looking at me with one eye) Then how in the world did you get dem’ purty lil Spanish Eye Balls..
(Managing a small bar in PA)
Drunkie: Are you the manager here (snickering with this evil laugh)?
Me: Yes I am. How can I help you?
Drunkie: How many shots do I have to buy for YOU before you will take ME home???
(Guest Blogger Lori Brewer..working at a Hotel Bar)
Drunkie: You know I have always been a fan of the brown sugar?
Lori: I am sure your wife is happy to know that (she was sitting right next to him)
(Guest Blogger Lori Brewer..working at a Night Club)
Drunkie: (believes he looks like Harrison Ford..he actually looks like Peewee Herman. After spending 20 mins listening to him telling me how he was CONSTANTLY mistaken for Harrison Ford). Are you a fan of Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Lori: You just said Raiders of the Lost Ark out loud…How does that ever work???
(Great Friend & Bar Manager – Chain Restaurant)
Drunkie: All the Stars in the sky are gone because God put them in your eyes…
(Working at a Hotel Bar)
Drunkie #1: I am getting married in two weeks.
Me: That is nice. Congratulations.
Drunkie #2: I don’t like her.
Me: I am sorry to hear.
Drunkie #2: Hey..I have an idea..why don’t you let her try the ring on (pointing at me)?
Drunkie #1: Yea, there ya go. I should marry her instead..she is much prettier.
Oh yes..TO BE CONTINUED…
Tourists...Many of my stories have been about them. Obviously, working at a hotel that is the main client base that you see. The intriguing thing is…sometimes you see groups of tourists hang out with each other at a hotel bar that would not be caught dead interacting anywhere else. Case in point…
When I was fairly new to one of the hotel bars that I worked at I had a group of engineers come in from Northern England. They were staying in the hotel for a week and this was their first time in the States. Throughout the week they would come into the bar and have dinner and drinks. The more they drank, the heavier their accents became. One night these guys were getting pretty liquored up. They were not keeping consistency in what they were ordering which was making it very hard for me to understand them. Each time I took their order it was like deciphering gibberish from English. Not American English..but bad mumbled English English. Half the time I looked like a deer in headlights! These guys were going around the world with their drinking. Long Island Ice Teas, Margaritas, Martini’s, Beers, Shots. To top it off they were loud speakers. When I would finally understand what they would order they would tell ME that I had bad English. HA!! Go figure..I have an English man telling ME I speak bad English. To them we speak “American”.
So..around midway through the night while I was cruising the internet looking for a Rosetta Stone language program that I could buy so I could learn this new “language” to be able to communicate with these guys, a group of Irish women walk in. Because they were the only women in the bar, the English guys bore down on them like a feeding frenzy. They immediately ordered a round of shots. Whiskey (go figure)! These guys were pulling out all the stops talking to these ladies. They were on a mission! The next thing I know they are dancing and doing shots like they were best friends. At one point one of the ladies asked me if I had a pole that she could dance on the bar with?? (Yes cause we have a detachable pole under the bar that I pull out on random occasions)!! Watching these people dance was beyond entertaining!! It was like Metal Heads meet Footloose. They were kicking and hopping. I’m pretty sure the MC Hammer dance was busted out while the ladies were doing the “cabbage patch dance”. You know, the one move where you pump your arms in a circle like you are churning butter. One lady even used one of the bar stools as her “pole” which she fell off of because when you dance on a chair like that with no one sitting in it…it falls over!!!! Ohhh…I love my job sometimes….
Finally after a few hours of this they decided that they wanted to go somewhere else. It was the end of the night for me anyway. I dropped the checks and put the lights up. As soon as I put the lights up I hear “TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN! TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN! I CAN SEE HER..OMG I CAN SEEEEEE HER”! At first I giggled, but then I realized that this guy was dead serious!! He was all over this lady the whole night and apparently he had on what we call “Beer Goggles”. Reminds me of a song titled “Your Pretty when I’m drunk” hehehe! I immediately turned down the lights and the one guy shouted “Ahhh…That’s better. She is prettier in the DARK”!!
Well, you can imagine that the Irish ladies did not take to these comments very well. The ladies ganged up on these guys and pretty much tore them up one side of the bar and down the other. The angrier that they got the heavier the accents became. I really needed to find that Rosetta Stone program because at this point I no longer had any inkling of what any of them were saying. I was only able to make out a few words and those are not ones that I could repeat. For a second I felt like I was transported back into the 17th century. The English and the Irish have a longstanding feud and given the perfect storm, no matter where they are, what they are doing or drinking…it all comes out!!
To settle this war, I threw shots on the bar, told the ladies where they could find a bar to dance on, referred a good Irish Pub (hehehe) for the English guys and told them nighty night!!
