GUEST BLOGGER, GREAT FRIEND, AND AUTHOR OF THE FANTASTIC BOOK “Whiskey For Women” MEGHAN LEARY:
I love the liquor world, and let me tell you, after the many years in it, I just couldn’t resist writing down some of the ridiculous things that have been coming out of people’s mouths lately. Maybe I’m getting old, maybe impatient, or maybe I’ve just had it. Who knows! But one event in particular solidified my need to pass on some of this verbal garbage. Let me set the scene for you kiddies…
I was working this art douche event recently and my sole duty for the evening was to pour margaritas made with two specific liqueurs. Easy peasy right? WRONG! Oh you are sooo, soooo wrong. The event was centered around 60 artists creating a piece of work in 60 minutes, at the conclusion of which, each piece was auctioned off for charity. Mind you, I’ve got my own station with a skirted table that had seen far better days, and there are only two bars with beer and wine set up…for 500 people. Lovely.
Now I’m only providing this herd of lushes with samples of margaritas…SAMPLES! Quarter ounce pours. It’s a taste people, simply a teaser so you can go BUY one at the bar knowing whether you like it already. The barrage of people approaching me, right out of the gate, was absolutely ridiculous. Little old ladies and beatnik artists found it completely appropriate to grab handfuls of these puppies. Mind you, not a single person knew what a margarita was to begin with, let alone the fact that we were presenting two upscale versions thereof. Sniffing too much oil paint fumes, I presume.
Anyway, the comments hitting me from all sides were just too much to brush off…and so frequent that I had to write them down. Here’s my top ten from the night:
10. Question: “Where do you come from?” My answer: Excuse me? Follow up question: You look Spanish. (What????? Really? I have blond hair and blue eyes…)
9. Question: “What are these?” My answer: These are signature margaritas made with X brand and Y brand which is 100% Blue Weber Agave tequila. Perfect libation for such a lovely evening. Would like a sample? Follow up response: “Oh no! I can’t drink vodka!”
8. Question: “Wow! The color is so pretty. Can I have a bottle to paint with?” (WTF???) No answer from me…I’m sure my face pretty much said it all.
7. Question: “You don’t mind if I just grab these do you?” Mind you, this woman is behind my table, stepping on my foot and sticking her dirty ass fingers in my martini cups, taking 10 samples…one for each dirty fat finger… My answer: By all means, please feel free to indulge ma’am.
6. Question: “Is tequila good for enhancing the senses?” My answer: Well, I know it’s great for enjoyment with fine friends on a wonderful evening such as this. Follow up question: “I ask this because I’m clairvoyant and I’ve always wondered if that would make my special skills more intense. Do you think so?” (Someone stab me with their paintbrush PLEASE…..right through my eye. DO NOT miss my brain!)
Now these next four are all from the same fine, super artistic gentleman. All he needed was a cape and he’d be our next superhero.
5. Question: “You know, I AM a connoisseur of drinking?” My answer: Really? That’s nice. Would you like a cocktail?
4. Question: “Do you date your customers?” My answer: Really? That’s nice. Would you like a cocktail?
3. Question: “How about I stay here until I can convince you?” No answer. But I do think I had fire shooting at him from my eyes.
2. Question: “I think I’m hammered. Am I hammered?” (as he’s swaying, shirt unbuttoned showing off the HOTTEST 46 inch waist I’ve ever seen). My answer: well you appear to be enjoying yourself sir. Follow up question: “Can you bring me home?”
Now for the best bunch of verbal sh*t from this wonderful evening came from a very unlikely source. It was a young woman in her early thirties, dressed decent (for the crowd) and she really threw me for a loop on this one. You see, I ran out of mini martini cups and had to switch over to generic 1 oz cups due to the drunks sucking them down ten at a clip…
1. Question: “Oh no!!! You don’t have anymore martini cups??” My answer: I’m sorry ma’am, but we went through a thousand of them already. Besides, the event is almost over. Would you like a cocktail? Follow up response: “If you don’t mind, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab one of these”….and if I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t believe it. Didn’t this broad reach into the damn garbage can, grab a dirty mini martini cup and hold it out in front of me saying “No one saw that right? I’d love one!”
Yeah, liquor and art simply do not mix.:)
LEARN MORE ABOUT MEGHAN AND PURCHASE HER BOOK @ Whiskey For Women
Vodka...It’s clear..It’s tasty..and its the drink of Russia! For as many years as I have been in this business I have never seen anyone who can consume as much Vodka as someone who is from Russia. I have tried countless times and fallen out of my chair in the process of trying to drink this sweet nectar! Those of you who have been out with me can attest..I can hold it down..BUT..not like they can hehehe 
I had the pleasure of witnessing the “attempted” hang with em’ from behind the bar on day looong ago. Three guys came in on a slowwww night. I recognized that they were tourists right away by the shirt they were all wearing. I assume their group had gone to the Statue of Liberty and had a picture taken because they in turn had the picture printed on shirts that said “I heart NY”. It was a great accessory to the fanny bags that they were wearing around their waists!! Gotta LOVE tourists They all order a double Stoli neat and park themselves at my bar. I find out through conversation that they are from Russia and are on their last night in the Big Apple. About two hours in and a bottle of Stoli later, (YES..they drank the FIRST bottle in two hours), they ask me if they can put their I-Pod on. I didn’t see a problem with it considering they were the ONLY customers I had. They were also in a band and wanted me to hear their music. They negated to mention that they were in a HEAVY METAL band!
So..they plug this thing in, crank it up, and start to HEAD BANG!!!!! The noise that was coming out of that thing was unlike anything I have ever heard! Take Gwar and Slipknot (those are two heavy metal bands for those of you non mental heads), put them on at the same time and plug your ears!! These guys were sooo excited that I let them play their music at the expense of my hearing start screaming “I love the states and P*ssy” over and over for like five minutes! Now..mind you..we are at a hotel bar!
Well… all the ensuing noise caught the attention of someone walking by. This very short man walks into the bar and is soo intrigued at what he saw he began to head bang with them!!! Picture this..three guys all like 6’1 head banging with a guy who is no more than 5’1. It was like watching an ice cube get tossed around in a blender! They are elated at this and ask this guy to “drink” with them.
Cut to one hour later….The four of them now have put back yet ANOTHER BOTTLE of Stoli!! The three “head bangers” decide they have had enough (DUH!! YA THINK), cash out and walk out of the bar straight as an arrow! However, the little one was not sooo lucky. He got up from his chair and did the “sway” hehehe. He attempts to tell me that he would be going up to his room as well. (NOTE: the little head banger only had three drinks). I offered him assistance and he drunkly assured me that he would be O.K.. All he had to do was hit the elevator and go to his room. Fair enough. He very slowly makes his exit.
I began to have visions of him passing out on the elevator and riding it up and down all night hehehe. I begin to close and needed to go out to the front desk to get something. I walk over to the lobby and I see 4 EMT’s, 7 Firefighters and at least 6 Cops!! WTF!! I thought the hotel was on fire or a fight had broke out! There was a lot of man power there! I make my way over to the front desk and ask the concierge what was going on. She proceeds to tell me that the hotel security guard found someone on one of the floors passed out in the hallway! I knew that HAD to be the “little head banger”! This poor guy got off on one of the floors and apparently decided to sit down hehehe!
All the man power was a “precaution” because he was out cold in drunky land and would not wake up. I could have picked this guy up with one hand, but security felt it necessary to call EVERYONE on the force who was within a twenty block radius from the hotel!
The cops were walking out of the hotel giggling to themselves and the EMT’s were cursing having to deal with yet another drunk! I found out later that the “little head banger” had made a tour of many of the bars in the city earlier in the night and was not even a guest at this particular hotel location. His hotel was actually on the other side of the city hehehe!
You know it is a crazy night when you wake up with one of the worst hangovers you have probably ever had from head banging with ZERO recollection of what happened the night before paying homage to the Porcelain gods!!
MORAL of the story……REMEMBER WHERE YOUR HOTEL IS!! :)
Walk IN’s…A.K.A.”Walk in fridge”, or my favorite..the “COLD BOX”. Most restaurant and bars have one for the food and one for the beer. If you are not lucky enough as a bartender to have a bar back, it is up to the bartender to switch the kegs when they kick or re-stock the beer. Now..when you go into the “Cold Box” the door usually does not lock behind you. Most of them ONLY lock from the outside. However, with some they DO LOCK from the inside. This is always the fear when you go down there that you will get locked in! This can pose a bit of a sticky situation if you are working late and alone!! Can you imagine…closing by yourself and getting locked in the “Cold Box”!! Stuck in there all night…no one to let you out until the morning crew arrives!!! Burrrrrrr……
Just recently I was out and about visiting some of my awesome bartender friends. While I was having a drink late night one of then told me about what had happened to them that very night. We will call him “Mr. Gumy”. He began to tell me that he was having “one of those nights”. He was working with a new bartender and told him that he was in no mood to work and just wanted to be “some place dark and cold”. We have all had those days!! Hung Over…Tired…Not in the mood.
As the night goes on one of the taps kicks and “Mr. Gumy” offered to go down and change the keg. The “Cold Box” is in the basement of this bar. To get there, the bartender has to go outside and into the basement door which is located off the front door. So…he goes down and changes the keg. In the process the door closes behind him. Initially he does not take notice because he was changing the keg. But, once the door closed behind him he realized the light was also not working. He goes over to feel around for the hole in the door that has a button attached to a spring. Almost like an “emergency exit button”. He pushes it and the door does not budge. He pushes it again. Still the door does not budge! DRATS!! LOCKED IN!! Heheheee..sorry for laughing kids..but it’s funny!!
So there he is…LOCKED in the “Cold Box” late at night with the light broken! At first he began to freak out just a little. I can only imagine the things that ran though his head!! Picture yourself in the same situation and see what you would think hehehe!
Well..”Mr. Gumy” is a fast thinker and has a good head on his shoulders. He figures at first that SOMEONE will realize that he is missing. Eventually the other bartender will go looking for him. At least…one would hope ! Well…“Mr. Gumy” does something that most would not think to do. Even tho he was in the dark, he felt around with his hand and untapped all of the kegs. Smart thinking Eh…I would not have thought of that! It makes sense. Eventually someone will come down to see why none of the beers are pouring and find “Mr. Gumy”. As smart as it was,”Mr. Gumy” was not planning on sitting down there for a solid 20 mins while waiting for the other bartender to pour a beer hehehe!
Eventually the bartender went down to see what was up with the taps and found “Mr. Gumy” sitting calmly on one of the kegs in the dark. He told me that even tho it sucked..he did get what he wanted earlier in the night Some place “cold and dark”!!
MORAL of the story…Be careful what you wish for!!! AND BEWARE OF THE COLD BOX!!
