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SHOCK AND AWE!!

THIS STORY IS LENT TO US BY MY BAD ASS AWESOME, AMAZING, MOM CHERYL WHO WAS A BARTENDER BACK IN THE 80′s …

This story takes place in Philadelphia PA back in 1983. ..
( CHERYL WAS NOT AN EMPLOYEE AT THIS BAR )

I was “COVERING” a shift for a friend of mine who needed to take the night off. Some bartenders did this back then because everybody knew each other so it was no big deal.. so I thought. As I walked into the bar “Happy Hour” was just getting done and the bar was packed with the locals. This bar also has Go Go Dancers. The stage was behind the bar against the back wall. With the way the stage was located, a part of it hung out into the walkway behind the bar and it also was directly in front of the beer taps, therefore the space was not very wide to work in.

Now… most of the these types of bars have bouncers. However, I did not see one at the door and did not think anything of it until later. Things were going smooth until a bunch of guys walked in celebrating a Bachelor Party. I knew they were not local’s because they looked like a bunch of “Suburban Brats“… with neck tie’s to boot! These guys were the types that their girlfriends or wives had a leash soooo tight on them that when they are cut loose they go WILD!! Now.. mind you.. MOST of the men are there to admire the dancers and want to relax and just have fun. The last thing the local’s need to hear was a bunch of  “Out of Towner’s” screaming and yelling! THIS is what usually causes a bar to get out of control and  then it’s up to the bartender to keep that control!

So…they began ordering shot’s and started screaming and yelling about how great the dancer was! They kept asking her to take her top off ( she was VERY big busted), and I kept telling her she better KEEP IT ON!! I had to give her the evil eye! Thing’s were going pretty smooth except for the rowdies… of course!  I THOUGHT I had them under control…BUTTT…NOPE! To top things off, I kept having to close the beer taps through out the  night. I thought it was me not pushing them back far enough when out of the corner of my eye I saw a hand come between two guys and PUSH the TAP FORWARD!!

I walk over and grab the hand!!! “Uh… I guess you caught me” one of the Bachelor Party Brats said. I look at him in my some what  scary face and said “You keep it up and I’ll throw you and your buddies out of here”!! “Ohhh…. I’m scared” he said while his buddies are mocking me!  I yelled to the cook in the back “Hey.. Where’s the bouncer“?  I hear someone say “I AM” from somewhere in the bar, however,  I could not see from whom it came.  I look around and shout “WHO SAID THAT“?  “I DID” said the voice. It wasn’t until I lean over the bar and look down and there’s a man SITTING IN A WHEEL CHAIR , dressed up like a biker dude wearing a leather vest and cap! How the HELL did he get by me??? I swear I never saw him! “COME ONNNN“… where’s the BOUNCER“?” SERIOUSLY“!! He says “I AM“!

At this point  I look over at the other end of the bar where some of the men I knew were sitting and they shook there heads verifying  the “Wheelchair Biker Dude” was IN FACT THE BOUNCER !! Dumbfounded  I knew I was in trouble and was going to loose control of the bar that WASN’T EVEN MINE!!!!!

NOW EVERYBODY is laughing not only at ME but the “BOUNCER” too!! Before I can even process what is going on the  beer taps START TO FLOW AGAIN!! I walk back over to the “Bachelor Party Brat Tap Pusher”,  grab him by his tie and YANKED him forward towards me and said “ It’s now time for you to LEAVE“!! He jerkily replied back “WHAT are you going to do?? Have your BOUNCER throw me out”??  This caused a roar of laughter and the next thing I knew the Bachelor Party group started yelling and chanting “TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF”!!! I turn around still holding the tie, look up and see  the bouncing of the biggest naked boobs I had ever seen FLAILING IN THE WIND!!! SHOCK!!!!!!

What happened next, was either from fear OR amazement, my ass getting soaked from the beer that was coming out of the still open taps, Beer Tap Brat Pusher laughing hysterically at me, or the GIANT boobs in my face something clicked ! ! STILL HOLDING Beer Tap Brat Pusher’s tie, I reached down with my other arm and grabbed a bottle of liquor… swung it around… and literally SMMMAAAASHED it over Beer Tap Brat Pushers HEAD!!!! AWE!!!!!!!!!!

The bar fell silent and there I was …standing there like the Statue Of Liberty with my arm in the air, holding what was left of a broken liquor bottle , more shocked that the bottle broke looking at the dancer while she screamed at me “OK OKKKK.. I’ll put my top back on”! I look over at Bachelor Party  Beer Tap Brat Pusher’s who’s head was now bleeding while he screamed “O.K. O.K.. I’m leaving” all the while he is getting rammed in the legs by my “Wheel Chair Bouncer” towards the door!
FINALLY!!!

MORAL of the Story…Like Mother…Like Daughter

HOW OLD ARE YOU AGAIN???

Checking I.D.’s….This is the ONE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT JOB OF A BARTENDER! Some places have bouncers in place to do this job for you. However, most bars only have them on the weekends. Obviously you have to be 21 to drink. DUH!! If you get caught serving someone underage the ramifications can be BAAADD! Everyone gets into trouble, the bar can lose it’s liquor license and you will get fined and never be able to work in this industry again! Easy enough right…WRONG! When you are dealing with people from all over the world…the drinking “RULES” are a WHOLE NEW BALL GAME! CASE IN POINT:

I was working at one of the many bars that I have worked at. I have this family come in. It is two Dad’s and their sons. They sit at a table. I walk over and the “Dad’s” ask me what the beer selection is? I tell them and they both order a Corona. I look over at the one son and I say “what can I get for you? A Coke..Sprite..Gingerale”? He looks at me and say’s “I would like a Corona please”. I laugh and say “like I have not heard that one before”! I continue on with the soda and juice selection and again he says to me “I would like a Corona PLEASE”?? AGAIN I LAUGH. This kid is something else hahaha.

His father looks over at me and say’s “Would you PLEASE get him a Corona”! WWWHHHAATT!! UMMM OK…I look at the kid and I ask him. “How old are you”?? He looks at me DEAD in the face and says “I AM 16 AND A HALF”! 16 AND A HALF eh….WOW..CONGRATS!! You are at the official age to go out and get your PERMIT. Still not old enough to DRIVE ALONE…and he wants a beer!!

OK people…at this point I’m a bit perplexed. I look at the father and I ask him “Where are you from”? He says to me that they are Belgium and the LEGAL DRINKING AGE IS 16! I look at him and tell him that while maybe in Belgium the age is 16, here in the states the drinking age is 21. He scoffs at me and says “What Rubbish”! Then he says “It’s OK..,he can have a beer”. HAHAHAHAAAA…UMMMM…NOOOOO  HE CAN’T! Is this really happening?? I proceed to tell him that it is not up to me or you..it is up to the LAW! The LAW states that you must be of the LEGAL DRINKING AGE OF 21. This poor kid is clearly in distress at this point because I will not give him a beer. He finally agrees on a Coke. Apparently this visit to the States is not what he expected it to be hehehe.

I look over at the other kid and I say to him “well then, I suppose you want a Stella”? He laughs at me and says “Oh..no..no..no..I’m ONLY 14”!!!!!!

They leave after one drink, stiff me and curse me because apparently it is my fault that his kid can’t drink..cause that’s MY LUCK!!

MORAL OF THE STORY.….Never assume!!

33 MINS OF CHRISTMAS WITH CRAZY PANTS…

SHE IS BAAACCCKKKKK GUEST BLOGGER LORI BREWER WITH ANOTHER “CRAZY PANTS” STORY!!

This entire story takes place during 33 mins of a Christmas Party at the bar. Company X wanted to have a private party at the bar for 80 of their employees from 6:00 to 7:30p.m. to be followed by a dinner reception in one of the hotel conference rooms. Should have been simple, but… whoops..

7:02 p.m. – one of the guests comes over to me completely wasted and asks for a “souble dotch”, speaking drunken English, I realize he asking for a double scotch, and I also realize that he needs to be cut off. Which I do. He then gives me the evil eye and says “My name is Mr. McGee and I think the other blonde is much nicer”. I respond “I could give a shit what your name is I am definitely not a blonde”. Oh Drunks are fun!!

7:05 p.m. - I finish making a few drinks and go to the other end of the bar to let Crazy Pants know my new friend has been cut off. Too late- they are doing shots together. I just shake my head and walk away.

7:12 p.m. – Crazy Pants climbs over the bar to dance with Mr. Drunkey McGee. Which she has a great deal of trouble doing. At this point the manager makes his first appearance of the shift and helps her over the bar. She slurs “thhhhank ou” and begins dancing. At which point the manager shakes his head and walks away.

7:18 p.m. - Mr. Drunken McGee is now too embarrassed to continue dancing so Crazy Pants is dancing alone. The party is now divided between those drunk enough to enjoy the bizarre gyrations and those who are praying to be magically transported elsewhere. Drunken McGee rallies himself enough to begin throwing dollar bills in all directions.

7:27 p.m. – Mrs. McGee appears (Sober). All hell breaks loose. She drags Crazy Pants into the bathroom, but not before telling her husband “You, I will deal with later!”.

7:30 p.m. – Crazy Pants returns from the bathroom crying. Announces she can’t work under these conditions and disappears. Drunken McGee sneaks out the side door. Actually he falls out of the door and picked himself up, then tip toed away down the street Hamburggler style. Miss McGee graciously invites everyone else up to the conference room for dinner.

7:35 p.m. – As I’m wrapping up the party the pipe under the bar bursts and I find myself standing in two inches of water . Merry Christmas!