mugsbehindthebar.com

Come F*** Me Shoes..WTF??

Ok… I think that this is probably one of my most unique encounters with a group of customers I have ever had.

I have noticed in all the different types of bars that I have worked at (sports bars, jazz clubs, fine dining ect..) that hotel bars are very unique in their own right. See, I have come to the conclusion (along with other friends of mine that also work at hotel bars) that in most cases, “guests” check their inhibitions at the front desk when they check in!!!!!!

Now… I thought up until this one night that I had pretty much seen it all!! Young people sucking face, cheating couples sucking face, old people going at it to the point where I was waiting for them to pop their teeth out (eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww…I know..I know…that is a visual most of us will spend the rest of our lives trying to get OUT of our heads) People who I’m pretty sure were doing “other” things under the bar…ect..ect..You get the point. Usually you ignore it and hope that they will not order another round and save your eyes and go up to the HOTEL ROOM THEY HAVE! I mean like seriously!

Ok, so I had this couple come into the bar. They were from RI. Older couple, Late 40′s (I know that is not old, but they looked older..I swear). They came in over the course of a few nights. The first night they were well behaved..kind of..glad to be in NY, yada, yada, yada. Before they paid their tab the first night I went over and asked if they wanted another round. We will call the couple Mr. RI and Mrs. RI. Mrs. RI says to me in a giggling manner “well maybe we should, but that all depends on if Mr. RI wants a drink from you or a drink from me” AHHHHHH…did she really just say that to me???

Yuck..ewewew…seriously… I smile and as nicely as I can, I put out a fake laugh and tell her that when they figure it out to let me know and I would be more than happy to make them a round that they can gladly take up to their room. (THIS IS A HINT). They are a lot smarter than I take them for and go for it. Thank God!!!

They leave with their drinks and I don’t see them until their last night that they are there. This is only because I was off for the next several days after I saw them.
It happens to be a Friday night around 11pm when they walk in. I am at the bar with no manager and just the chef and my co-worker there to close with me. Now.. I have to set this up for you because I could not re-create this moment if I tried!!!

I have a group of 5 people at my bar. A couple that had just gotten engaged at Rockefeller Center. He was getting trashed and she was sober pissed off at him (HA! What a way to start your engagement). Another couple with them who were already married and putting them back like they were on a mission, and the other friend who was flying solo because his girlfriend was a “one hit wonder” as I call em’. One drink and they are on the floor. Obviously, she was put to bed many hours earlier.

I’m chatting it up with them, playing ref between the bickering of the engaged couple, the total oblivion of the drunk couple, and the miserable pouty solo friend. They walk in….Mr. and Mrs. RI. She in a little black dress (which between us, she should have NOT been wearing), him in a cream colored pant with a yes… I am actually going to say this…SIGH..plaid shirt. But..not the kind you can get away with wearing now. One that looked like he pulled it out of his high school closet for a night out in the concrete jungle with his lady.

They are a little tipsy and come right over and order a round. I give it to them and they start throwing up their night in NYC on all of us like we were a bucket for them to puke in. The good bartender that I am (I was an actor you know), I start to talk to them. At first the conversation was normal. Blah..Blah..Blah..then Mrs. RI and I start to talk tattoos. Yes I have two of them. She starts to tell me her life story on the tattoos she has. Now mind you.. the entire time I am chatting it up with Mrs. RI..Mr. RI is behind her, groping her, making all these obscene jesters of the things he wanted to do to her! (AGAIN..eeeeewwwwwwwww)..something I do not want to either hear about or even worse SEE!!

I do enjoy having my eye sight and I would like to keep it that way. Well.. she tells me that she has a tattoo on her low back. The first thing that I say is “tramp stamp“. I catch myself but its too late. Mrs. RI who I realize later had to be into S&M says “wanna see?” Before I can even respond she spins around and begins to pull up the back of her dress and pull down her panyhose, AND OMG…I can’t believe I am actually repeating this..I now see her attempted sexy underwear!!. ewewewewewewewewew….all to show me her “alleged tramp stamp“. Oh..did I mention that they were a THONG!!

Now… I am utterly speechless… The group at the other end of the bar have all but forgotten their issues and have focused on Mrs.RI. She is laughing and giggling all the while my mouth is gaping open in utter disbelief.

After about a min of her prancing around showing everyone her tramp stamp, she finally pulls her dress down. Phew..glad that is over and covered up. So I thought. Before I can offer her another drink (I know..why would I?? Apparently I like torture!) she walked over to where I am standing and leans on the bar. This is where I find out that she is bra-less. As she begins to lean I see her “girls” start to fall out of the dress..and like the song..”Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro” land like two withering melons onto the bar!!! Nipple and all.. Oh how nice I say to myself. Now I’m gonna have to wax and disinfect the bar. She looks down like a min later and says “OOOOOOPS..HEHEHE“. No not OOOPS…ewewewewew.
At this point I’m thinking…. maybe I should cut these two off and send them up stairs to do whatever it is at that age you do with those things. But Nooooo…my brainac co-worker offers to buy them a drink! Refraining myself from choking him I let him pour the drink and I go have a cigg. Maybe they will take they drink up to their room.

Upon walking back in not only are they still there, but the group at the end of the bar decide they are fun and order another round for them. Yey…now I am stuck with them for at least another half hour or so. I sit on the ice box  opposite Mr. and Mrs. RI and I try to steer the conversation away from what just happened. We start talking about shoes. Harmless right. HA..little did I know I just gave myself the kiss of death!! Mrs. RI says to me ” Wanna see my CFMS”?
Ladies if you have sexy shoes in your closet..you know what this stands for. I decline but she proceeds to swing her leg up and onto the bar so I can see her shoes. Here is the problem boys and girls….she was in a cocktail dress and wearing crotchless underwear! YUP..that’s right, instead of me seeing her shoes, I was face to face with an overgrown jungle of per-historic hair!! I really think I saw a moth fly outta there!! Seriously…
I immediately closed my mouth in fear of any type of unnatural smell that I might encounter as I was sitting eye level with this thing. Mind you the ENTIRE time she is going on and on about these damn shoes while my eyes are being burned at the utter site in front of me!!
At the same time this is going down, my co-worker runs to the corner of the bar and proceeds to do a shot in hopes to erase from his visual memory what he just saw!! I stand up again shocked that this just went down and skipped last call and let everyone know that we are calling it a night.

NEVER in ANY of the YEARS that I have been doing this job have I seen anything like this!! I saw the entire anatomy of an middle aged woman at the expense of my eye sight and the scars that I will have for the rest of my life!! :-0

I’ve been Stiffed..Goosed..and Bowed to..all in one night

Let’s just get right into it..Customers….well if it was not for them you would not make any money..

You have to entertain them as a good bartender. Take their order, make them feel comfortable, make them want to stay BLAH BLAH BLAH. The good thing about our job as a bartender is you never really know what kind of customers you are going to have on any given day/night. You have your regulars.You pretty much know what you are dealing with when they walk in. Easy…right…well its the “others“..the non-regulars who you don’t know who keep you entertained to say the least..

Example #1
I work at a hotel in Chelsea Manhattan. I deal with customers from all over the world on a daily basis. There is one group of customers that at any bar I have EVER worked at they speakie no engrish. They my friends are the oh so friendly business men from Japan. They only usually know ONE word. For what ever the reason is..it is BLACK. Now most bartenders who know what they are doing know that probably means Johnny Walker Black. However, that is NOT the case.
So you play this game pointing out every damn bottle that has black on the label. Usually it ends up being Guinness. DUH…Black beer.
Well.. this one particular evening I was working and I had these three Japanese men come in. The smiled, bowed to me and proceeded to yell BLACK…BLACK..BLACK. Now after my senses have been invaded with the shrieking of these three men I started to think..”is this how they order in Japan”? UMMM..they LOVE karaoke..makes sense that they shout..or maybe they think I am deaf or something since I am running around pointing at everything that had black in it. They finally settle on Sam Adams…??? ummm..that’s not black! Ok.. whatever, I give them their drink, they smile and go sit.
THREE HOURS LATER..still drinking the same three beers I go over and they give me the international sign for check. U know when people wave their hand making a check motion in the air. So I take their check over to them and they proceed to fill it out. They are charging it to their room. They walk to the bar, hand it to me and wait as I process the payment. “NO CREDIT” pops up on my screen. I tell the oldest in the group in an “International Sign Language” that i would be right back. I run out to the front desk lobby and ask the kid there to check into the room for me to see why there was no credit.

Now….. picture this..I am leaning over a counter that is about waist level trying to look at the computer screen to see what is up. I feel this presence..VERY close to me. At first I brush it off. My boss looms over me so I am used to it in a way, and then it happens!!!

This presence pushes him self up on me! I turn around to look and I see the old Japanese man who I have now dubbed Mr. Miyagi standing there. He goosed me!! WTF!!

I let out a bit of a weird sound that I could not repeat and try to crawl up onto the counter away from this crazy old man. He smiles real big at me and then begins to BOW to me….while slowly backing away from me saying “ahh..tank you..tank you..owowoowow ahh”
EWWWWWWWWWWW did I have like sex with him or something??? Only to make things WORSE was that when the charge finally went through he stiffed me!! In bar talk that means no tip!
So in one night of work I was STIFFED..GOOSED..AND BOWED AT….
Of course all the while the entire hotel staff was on the floor laughing!! Right and this is just one day in my adventures in bartending. I’m sure there are some of you ladies out there that can relate to this feeling. Odd..yet hysterically funny..and of course all at your own expense!!